Friday, January 14, 2011

Pioneer Square Dance

Working downtown again after a 10 year absence (I don't count my Pemco days as downtown, that was Eastlake) is more than welcome. There's something about jumping off the train and walking into the office that adds legitimacy to my work day. Rather than schlepping it into a business park in the suburbs I'm Draperesque, striding with a sense of purpose and full of vim and vigor...minus the raging alcoholism, chain smoking, and hot secretary nailin'.

However, a lot has changed in downtown Seattle over the last 10 years. When I left the tech/dot-com bubble was still in full on rager mode (the dot-com bubble would implode 3 months later, in March of 2000), WAMU was at the height of their retail power and seemed unstoppable, and downtown in general had a vibrancy that only new money naivete and old money tastes can sustain. You couldn't swing a dead cat without hitting someone yapping about stock options, signing bonuses, and IPOs.

There was a slight hangover after the crash, but for the most part Seattle kept chugging along. All those that chased dot.com dreams returned to places like WAMU, Expeditors and Boeing with their worthless stock options in the recycle bin. Downtown kept opening restaurants, high end retail establishments and trendy boutique stores. By the time the real estate bubble swung into high gear there were sections of Seattle that had been completely transformed. Pacific Place stands as an obnoxious and arrogant totem of this period of time.

Flash forward to 2010 - It seems downtown is reverting back to what it was in the late 80's and 90's. There is a seediness and sleeziness to it that was irrigated out during this town's run up to being considered a 'world class' city. While certain sections have always been meccas to junkies, the homeless, and other downtroddens (Pike Place, Pioneer Square) the presence of these so-called undesirables was at a minimum over the last decade. Law enforcement and business owners went out of their way to sweep the nuiscance of panhandlers and hobos not only under the rug, but off the streets entirely.

I walked to Pioneer Square last Tuesday (before Snowmaggedon unleashed its unbridled and slushy fury upon us) and I was surprised by a few things:

1 - The number of bums visibly passed out on the sidewalks, and I'm pretty sure one hobo was dead. He was lying facedown in a puddle of mystery liquid (but sporting a new pair of Wranglers) and his hands were a bluish grey tint. Now, had this been anyone but a homeless person I might have stopped to investigate...and I stress might. I'm resigned to the fact that I'm one of the heartless bastards that 'What Would You Do?' loves to expose on their stupid show, and I'm okay with that. You want to lay dead in the street? Fine by me. Plus, since I went and watched 'Prince Of Darkness' back in 1987, a movie I must have viewed as a documentary, I've harbored the irrational fear that all homeless people are minions of Satan...just waiting for his dark signal to start running people through with discarded bicycle frames. I don't need that in my life, so I just step aside and keep on keepin' on.

2 - I don't recognize 3/4 of the bars in Pioneer Square. Not only that, I was really struggling to remember where the Colourbox used to be...or any of the other bars I used to frequent way back in the day. The J&M appears to have been remodeled, but I always hated that place. And none of the bars I used to play back in my band days appear to have survived. Does Pioneer Square still do joint cover? Is Jumbalassy playing at the Fenix Underground this weekend?

3 - One thing that has not changed is the bizarre number of high end rug merchants in Pioneer Square...and rug merchant isn't a euphemism for anything, these people literally sell Persian rugs for thousands and thousands of dollars. Now, one constant is that all of these stores are going out of business and having big sales to liquidate their rug inventory. The other constant is that there are never any customers in these places. That tells me that one of two things are going on and that is these merchants have one hell of a booming online business...or they are fronts for terrorists/drug smugglers. Do any of you know anybody this side of Aladdin or the villain from 'Octopussy' that own or have plans to buy a $14,000 Persian rug? I didn't think so.

4 - Every employee at Magic Mouse Toys harbors a deep seeded hatred of children. That, actually, has always been that way. Criminy, those are some bitter, bitter people in that place. Hey, Magic Mouse employees...I'm sorry that Alternative Childhood Education major with the French Lit minor isn't working out for you, but that doesn't give you carte blanche to loathe every child that walks into your store. What's odd here is that the employees were giving the kids of strangers a hard time and I was still appalled. Normally, I'm completely apathetic when it comes to having empathy or sympathy for people I don't know, but these people were just friggin' mean to a couple of young Asian kids that had the gall to touch a toy on the shelf. They weren't being rough with it or breaking it or making ramen soup with it...they just touched it...and it wasn't a toy Faberge egg either, it was some Melissa and Doug dealie bob. Lighten up, Magic Mouse...there's only so long your hipster doofus credentials can carry you in a down economy.

That's about all I have for now, but I plan to head down that way again soon to scare up some lunch. I hear Tat's Deli is nothing but good times....

Thursday, January 13, 2011

The People On The Bus....

It's good to see that the buses that service downtown are still nothing more than rolling asylums and wheeled disease canisters. It seems everyone on the buses careening into the tunnel are scurvy ridden or carrying an undiscovered strain of hepatitis or tuberculosis...or both.

Anyhoo, I decided to take the bus up to Pacific Place yesterday for lunch. Pacific Place always cracks me up because if there was ever a temple built to placate the insatiable high-end consumer needs of the last two bubble economies, Pacific Place would be it. How some of those stores stay in business is kind of beyond me...remember, I'm the guy that recently lost it over $100 jeans.

So, I hop on the first thing smokin' at the International District station, taking a seat far from the hacking, wheezing lunatic section. At the Pioneer Square stop, a semi-good lookin' gal (who ain't talkin' bout love) stepped onto the bus and took the seat across the aisle from me. She was stylishly dressed, mid-20's, and sported a hearing aid...which really has no bearing on this tale. Once the bus started moving, this gal began rummaging through her bag and dug out a Tupperware container. She popped the top off the container, whipped a fork out of her purse, and began tearing into the heap of spaghetti contained within the Tupperware. I mean, she was mowing through it like it was the last meal she was ever going to eat.

Now, I have real issues when it comes to eating in public places that are not restaurants. I don't understand how people can stroll down the street gnawing on a hot dog or pizza or a sandwich. It just seems kind of dirty and gross and wrong to me. Eating on the bus isn't that far off from eating in a Honey Bucket at The Gorge (in George!) after Phish just played a weekend there. Those fiber loving hippies can do some damage to a Honey Bucket. So, imagine my disgust...the gal next to me went from being semi-good looking to a spaghetti and germ slathered pig in seconds.

By the time we got to Westlake Center, which was like 6 minutes from Pioneer Square, the one gal spaghetti feed was over. All that remained was an empty Tupperware container, a spent fork, and a lingering feeling of disdain that followed me all the way to Pacific Place.

Pacific Place was absolutely dead. I think I was one of like 8 people in the place at noon. Maybe there is still some holiday hangover impacting consumer activity...or maybe people finally came to their senses and figured out that they don't need $300 jeans to fill that empty hole in their souls...spaghetti will do just fine.

Monday, January 3, 2011

Dead Pool 2011

If I'm posting about celebrities that I think will begin their eternal dirt naps in the next 12 months, then it must be a new year! So, without further adieu and/or fanfare, let's get to the list...

Bret Michaels - I don't know what kind of a deal it was that Bret Michaels struck with Ol' Scratch, but the bill is long overdue. This no-talent hack has managed to extend his 15 minutes of fame playing with house money for far too long. My mom knows who Bret Michaels is, but if I had asked her what she thought of him in 1988 (the same year Poison's 'I Won't Forget You' was my prom song) she would have had no idea who the hell I was talking about. There is absolutely nothing compelling or interesting about Bret Michaels, yet he is constantly on TV. He's a one trick pony that's about to have the ultimate trump card played on him - I'm putting money down that Bret Michaels expires before the end of February.

Miley Cyrus - Papa Cyrus's disgusting pimping of his daughter will lead to her ruin. She's already on the fast track to her very own E! Hollywood Story and Behind The Music. Her antics will only get more out of hand as her original fan base grows up and moves on. Desperation for attention will lead to more and more experimentation on her part (fueled by her d-bag father) to be taken seriously as an adult...which means an increase in reckless behavior. I'm thinking Miley bites it sometime in May after a hellacious Spring Break spent in Mexico...a dangerous mix of tequila and amphetamines will be too much for Miley and her hillbilly overbite to over come.

Prince - He's already had hip replacement surgery, so I'm sure that the years spent dry humping his guitar have left the rest of his body in shambles and aged beyond their 52 years. Yes, Prince is 52 years old...which is really kind of shocking when you think about it. What's even more shocking is just how unlistenable so much of his back catalog is. Good criminy, 'Around The World In A Day' is an absolute train wreck (I have a post on this album queued up for later). But I digress. Like I said, there are only so many splits a man can do before he breaks down...and when that man is a 5'3 sex obsessed Midwestern hobbit, well...let's just say he's been living on borrowed time...and I'm sure he's carrying more than one bit of carnal baggage around that he can't get a shot for. I say our man Prince Rogers Nelson shuffles off this mortal coil in June, just after his 53rd birthday.

John Madden - He's been borderline incoherent for the last 5 years, but everyone pretends that's just Madden being Madden. Well, it isn't...something isn't right in his head. He was always a clown, but never a joke. That has changed. We all lose our fastball at some point in our lives, but Madden doesn't even have his change-up...or slider...in fact, I don't think he could get the ball to home plate if he was ever asked to throw out a ceremonial first pitch (which would be odd since he's a football institution, but I think you know what I am getting at...don't ya?). Add in the fact that he's not exactly a model of physical fitness and you get a walking stroke. The only upside will be that Frank Caliendo will retire his Madden impression.

Jim Rome - I can dream, can't I?

Bob Dylan - This one will actually really bum me out. Mr. Zimmerman's last album was outstanding, much better than 'Love And Theft' (a title I called apt at the time since it described Dylan's relationship with his rabidly loyal fans). It's rare that a songwriter as prolific as Dylan can deliver the goods after so many mediocre efforts, but 'Together Through Life' was beyond solid. It's no 'Blood On The Tracks', but it isn't the aural embarrassment of every Stones release since 'Steel Wheels'. Anyhoo, Dylan will pass away this year and everyone will talk about how they loved him and what an influence he was...I'm sure Justin Bieber will be all broken up about it. I know I will be...one, a talent like Bob Dylan isn't generational, it's a once in a lifetime happening...and two, where the hell is Charlie Sexton, one of my fave guitar players, going to find work if not touring with Dylan?

Paul McCartney - Macca has long been an insufferable and humorless prick. He hasn't written a decent song since....let's see....um, 'Band On The Run'? 'Take It Away'? Yeah, it's been a while. He survived his divorce from that one legged bandit, but he won't survive the massive coronary that will claim his soul in late August. McCartney has a lot to answer for...like Magical Mystery Tour....Silly Love Songs....Helen Wheels....Pipes Of Peace...I'd hate to be in line behind Paul as Saint Peter reads off his long list of musical transgressions...it's going to be a while to work through that list.

Liz Taylor - It's just time, isn't it? We've kept the lights on for her long enough. I'll watch 'Cleopatra' the night she passes on because it's an incredibly bad movie that makes for compelling watching...the sets! The costumes! The overwrought dialog! I'd say she'd be missed, but I think a lot of people think she died back in the 1990's....

Well, there's my list for now...I made add a couple of more in the next couple of days...feel free to add yours in the comments section..

Happy New Year!