Monday, January 3, 2011

Dead Pool 2011

If I'm posting about celebrities that I think will begin their eternal dirt naps in the next 12 months, then it must be a new year! So, without further adieu and/or fanfare, let's get to the list...

Bret Michaels - I don't know what kind of a deal it was that Bret Michaels struck with Ol' Scratch, but the bill is long overdue. This no-talent hack has managed to extend his 15 minutes of fame playing with house money for far too long. My mom knows who Bret Michaels is, but if I had asked her what she thought of him in 1988 (the same year Poison's 'I Won't Forget You' was my prom song) she would have had no idea who the hell I was talking about. There is absolutely nothing compelling or interesting about Bret Michaels, yet he is constantly on TV. He's a one trick pony that's about to have the ultimate trump card played on him - I'm putting money down that Bret Michaels expires before the end of February.

Miley Cyrus - Papa Cyrus's disgusting pimping of his daughter will lead to her ruin. She's already on the fast track to her very own E! Hollywood Story and Behind The Music. Her antics will only get more out of hand as her original fan base grows up and moves on. Desperation for attention will lead to more and more experimentation on her part (fueled by her d-bag father) to be taken seriously as an adult...which means an increase in reckless behavior. I'm thinking Miley bites it sometime in May after a hellacious Spring Break spent in Mexico...a dangerous mix of tequila and amphetamines will be too much for Miley and her hillbilly overbite to over come.

Prince - He's already had hip replacement surgery, so I'm sure that the years spent dry humping his guitar have left the rest of his body in shambles and aged beyond their 52 years. Yes, Prince is 52 years old...which is really kind of shocking when you think about it. What's even more shocking is just how unlistenable so much of his back catalog is. Good criminy, 'Around The World In A Day' is an absolute train wreck (I have a post on this album queued up for later). But I digress. Like I said, there are only so many splits a man can do before he breaks down...and when that man is a 5'3 sex obsessed Midwestern hobbit, well...let's just say he's been living on borrowed time...and I'm sure he's carrying more than one bit of carnal baggage around that he can't get a shot for. I say our man Prince Rogers Nelson shuffles off this mortal coil in June, just after his 53rd birthday.

John Madden - He's been borderline incoherent for the last 5 years, but everyone pretends that's just Madden being Madden. Well, it isn't...something isn't right in his head. He was always a clown, but never a joke. That has changed. We all lose our fastball at some point in our lives, but Madden doesn't even have his change-up...or fact, I don't think he could get the ball to home plate if he was ever asked to throw out a ceremonial first pitch (which would be odd since he's a football institution, but I think you know what I am getting at...don't ya?). Add in the fact that he's not exactly a model of physical fitness and you get a walking stroke. The only upside will be that Frank Caliendo will retire his Madden impression.

Jim Rome - I can dream, can't I?

Bob Dylan - This one will actually really bum me out. Mr. Zimmerman's last album was outstanding, much better than 'Love And Theft' (a title I called apt at the time since it described Dylan's relationship with his rabidly loyal fans). It's rare that a songwriter as prolific as Dylan can deliver the goods after so many mediocre efforts, but 'Together Through Life' was beyond solid. It's no 'Blood On The Tracks', but it isn't the aural embarrassment of every Stones release since 'Steel Wheels'. Anyhoo, Dylan will pass away this year and everyone will talk about how they loved him and what an influence he was...I'm sure Justin Bieber will be all broken up about it. I know I will, a talent like Bob Dylan isn't generational, it's a once in a lifetime happening...and two, where the hell is Charlie Sexton, one of my fave guitar players, going to find work if not touring with Dylan?

Paul McCartney - Macca has long been an insufferable and humorless prick. He hasn't written a decent song since....let's, 'Band On The Run'? 'Take It Away'? Yeah, it's been a while. He survived his divorce from that one legged bandit, but he won't survive the massive coronary that will claim his soul in late August. McCartney has a lot to answer Magical Mystery Tour....Silly Love Songs....Helen Wheels....Pipes Of Peace...I'd hate to be in line behind Paul as Saint Peter reads off his long list of musical's going to be a while to work through that list.

Liz Taylor - It's just time, isn't it? We've kept the lights on for her long enough. I'll watch 'Cleopatra' the night she passes on because it's an incredibly bad movie that makes for compelling watching...the sets! The costumes! The overwrought dialog! I'd say she'd be missed, but I think a lot of people think she died back in the 1990's....

Well, there's my list for now...I made add a couple of more in the next couple of days...feel free to add yours in the comments section..

Happy New Year!


  1. I have yet to get one of these right but that hasn't stopped me from making a prediction yet. I'm going to go with Steven Tyler. I keep seeing commercials for American Idol with him on there and he looks like he's knocking on death's door.

    From the sports world I'm going to go with John Madden's old boss - Al Davis. He's half mummified already.

    And the long shot - Brett Favre. Unable to live without the constant attention, he'll either die of a drug overdose or will attempt another come back and get killed in a game.

    Finally, Chevy Chase. No particular reason, I just felt like I should have an actor in there and he's the first one that came to mind.

  2. Hmmm...I've never been right so far either but here goes:

    Hugh Hefner, Courtney Love, Aretha Franklin, Fidel Castro and Yogi Berra. Oh, and Zsa Zsa Gabor.

  3. Adding a new wrinkle to things, I think Brandi Favre might be found dead alongside her famous brother.