I Be Illin'

The illness that was visited upon me simply refuses to recede and slither back to the shadowy and dank underworld where it was conceived. Yes, the feverish attacks subsided, so no more violent shivering and enamel wrecking teeth chattering...but the sore throat, coughing, and skull crushing headaches persist. I've also developed some intense sinus pressure and my left ear keeps popping.

I went to see a doctor Saturday morning, and she diagnosed whooping cough, which at the time seemed correct (although 'whooping' through her Vietnamese accent came out sounding like 'woofing'...I tried not to giggle). Now I am not so sure. Either way, she put me on a 5 day 'Z-Pack', so whatever I have, if bacterial in nature, will be wiped out. At least, that's what I am hoping for.

Now, if whatever illness I have is viral in nature then the Z-Pack is going to do sweet eff all about it. I'm worried that I am now into day 3 of the antibiotics and, according to my woofing cough diagnosing doctor, I should be feeling much, much better. But I don't. I feel the same as I did on Saturday...

Part of me wants to go see my previous doctor, the totally awesome Dr. Duran. The only problem with that plan is that he doesn't accept my insurance anymore and his office is spectacularly inefficient. Even with an appointment you are giving up at least 2 hours of your day, which is usually well worth it because he's a great doctor.

It's 8:40 AM, I've taken a shower, ate some apple slices for breakfast (I've lost 13 pounds since all of this started last Wednesday...and I'm not complaining about the weight loss, I just wish it happened in a more healthy manner), and I am completely wiped out and heading back to bed.

In the meantime, you can amuse yourself with these terrifying photos of giant rattlesnakes...these pics are good ol' fashioned nightmare fuel, even if most of them are hoaxes.

The Sunny Side Of The Street

What does Rachel Uchitel have in common with the random lunatic that sat next to me on the bus earlier today? They are both addicted to lip gloss. The unattractive gal that planted herself across the aisle from me had some serious, serious issues. Not only was she dressed like an extra from ‘8 Mile’ (yo, it’s goin’ down at The Shelter!) with enough Sean John gear to finance P. Shiddy’s next vehicle purchase, she smelled like tomato basil soup. And she was addicted to lip gloss.

Her lip gloss routine can only be described as precise. She would take out a tube of Blistix and go ‘round and ‘round her lips three times, lick them, and then apply a purple-ish lip gloss over the top in four sweeps.. A few moments would go by and she would repeat the process. Over the course of three stops in the tunnel she performed this operation seven times…and it was always three applications of Blistix, a lick o’ the lips, and then the purple lip gloss. By the time I got off the bus she looked like she had been bobbing for pork chops that had been suspended in a vat of Crisco.

This level of crazy doesn’t approach the batsh*t insanity of ‘Lotion Man’, a wandering nutter that I would see from time to time in the Eastlake area…but it is definitely over the top OCD behavior. I’m wondering if this lip gloss fascination manifested itself due to her being nervous while riding a bus through the tunnel though…she looked as normal as she possibly could when she hopped aboard. It was only when we got rolling did the Blistix/lip gloss come out. Either way, it was bizarre…but not so bizarre I couldn’t share it with my 4 loyal readers though!

Moving on - Sunny days in Seattle means the return of sidewalk mystery liquid!!! Yep, nothing like walking down a sidewalk on a day with no measurable precipitation and encountering a puddle of standing liquid in direct sunlight…how did it get there and what the eff is it? It is best to just walk around and give said puddle a wide-berth, it may become self aware and attack you like the lake blob from Creepshow…

Hero Of Nobody...

...I get the strange feeling that the Hero Of Nobody domain has been seized by someone that is not Shelvis...the posts are no longer about deep dish pizza, Howard Stern, or hot dogs...

Venting Some Rage

I can't stand the NCAA basketball tournament...in fact, I loathe it. The only thing that gets my hackles up more than the NCAA tourney is the sight of pear shaped lime green scarf loving DOOFUSES skulking their way into Qwest Field to watch the Sounders. Eff them...but I digress. All you bracketologists (and there's a word that makes me want to ram a rusty fork into a Sounders fan's neck)can simply suck it. I'm glad we got that out of the way early...

The next 40 something ass hat that ironically asks,'What's a CD?' in the midst of a music conversation will have their kidneys turned to mulch by my fists. There really isn't anything more annoying than a wannabe hipster dipsh*t making a desperate play for attention. I'll gladly spend time with a sanctimonious baby boomer before I'll tolerate the company of a goddam hipster...at least the baby boomer will sincerely believe in whatever idiotic stance they take or statment they are making. Hipsters believe in nothing and their only pleasure in life is making others feel stupid, hence the 'what's a CD?' horseshite. They believe they gain crediblity by feigning ignorance of a bygone era...an era they lived in and embraced not that long ago. An 8 year old knows what a CD is, but not a 45 rpm single because that technology was displaced years before they were even thought about. Asking 'what's a CD' makes the hipster feel relevant in a world that is passing them by. Joan Rivers has aged more gracefully than every hipster in existence.

Hey, Gleeks...it is time to derail and decommission your 'Glee' bandwagon. It's a sh*tty show. The only reason it is popular is because they use songs that were already popular once and recycle them. It's the same formula P. Shiddy used to make millions off of dumb people that bought his albums...find a song that was a hit once before, steal or sample the hook, and record it again with some weak ass rap in place of the actual verses. Glee does the same thing - they take songs that were once hits, record them again with attractive actors, and then build a rudimentary sit-com with updated ABC after school special messaging around the music...and the music is nothing more than a rote color by numbers cover. I'd have some respect for Glee if they actually brought something to the table when they re-recorded the songs, but everything I've heard is a note for note remake and boring. Face it, Gleeks..this show exists as nothing more than a vehicle to generate iTunes downloads...and enough with Jane Lynch, she's a one trick pony that needs to be put down. Discuss.

Hmmmm, that's all the rage I could muster up for this post...I think the unisom is kicking in. I have to be downtown Bellevue tomorrow morning for some kind of social media and you seminar and how it impacts your business kind of stuff. Should be thrilling and I'm sure before we are through introductions I will be annoyed and agitated BY IT ALL. Until then, happy Thursday and I hope you enjoyed this lil' bit o' rage...

More Random Shots...

My three girls love Taylor Swift...they love her songs, videos, hair, dresses...you name it and they dig it. And I completely understand why they do. My two youngest girls like her because, as Jossy put it, she 'looks like a princess!' Madelyn will be 8 in August, so her appreciation runs deeper. She admires Taylor Swift for writing her own songs, playing the guitar, and for her sparkly dresses...and she thinks she's funny. Maddy was mesmerized by Taylor's making of documentary for the 'Love Story' video, especially all of the segments that went out their way to show Taylor Swift being normal...baking cookies, goofing off, and being afraid of spiders.

Again, I totally understand why my girls and millions of other girls love Taylor Swift. For the tweener set, her songs are Judy Blume books condensed down to three minutes and set to music. Younger girls aspire to be her. I find her music to be annoying and grating, and when she sings live she's an abomination. She's the only performer I have ever heard that could be flat, pitchy, and out of key all at once. Just watch the train wreck that was Def Leppard/Taylor Swift crossroads or her ear drum abusing duet with Stevie Nicks a couple of years ago...and if her voice on her CDs was processed any more than it already is, stores would have to offer up her music next to the Velveeta and Easy Cheese canisters...but her music is not for me, so I'm not going to worry about it....so there.

You know, it really is kind of difficult to be snarky and cynical with all that's going on in the world right now. Not so difficult I couldn't take some shots at Taylor Swift, but still...I had a great night with the girls, we played some Wii Sports, ate some popcorn, but in the back of my mind I kept thinking about Japan and the devastation there. Take some time tonight or tomorrow and send a prayer out for all of Japan...for their loss of life and for the strength and resolve it is going to take to dig out from that mess. Also pray for the engineers working around the clock trying to prevent meltdowns at their nuclear facilities. The last thing the Japanese people need right now is for Godzilla to come stomping around (yeah, I couldn't resist...sorry...but not really...someone had to make a Godzilla joke).

Back to the snark. The Better Half and I did some shopping at WinCo over the weekend. For those of you that don't know what WinCo is, think WalMart without all the made in China Rubbermade products cluttering up the aisles. What's great about WinCo is the prices...you can save some serious coin at that place on everything from produce to ice cream...and when you leave you aren't burdened with the shame you might feel if caught walking out of Grocery Outlet. The bad thing about WinCo is that every other person in the joint looks like they may have been cast as extras in 'Winter's Bone'. There aren't a lot of handsome people in the place, yours truly being a welcome exception (if grading on a curve).

WinCo also is the place to go for items you might not find anywhere else...like giant tins of 'Campfire Stew'. I have no idea what 'Campfire Stew' is, and I don't really want to find out...but it was on sale, for whatever that's worth. They also stock every imaginable flavor of Shasta soda on the planet...and they carry a ton of those crazy Mexican fruit drinks that my cousins can't get enough off. Every one should give WinCo a try, especially since you have to bag your own groceries, that makes it kind of sporty!

By the way, 'Winter's Bone' was vastly overrated...great performances, but overrated as a film...

On Demand

My very, very observant and crafty beyond her years youngest daughter was able to figure out how to call up her favorite shows On Demand. When we thought she was napping she would wake up, grab the Comcast remote, hit the red 'On Demand' button, and navigate the menus. Now, because she is 2 1/2, she can't read (at least I think she can't read), so finding the shows she wanted to watch was trial and error...mostly error. She ordered some movie called 'Black Death' twice in a three day time span. She also ordered 'Conviction' and 'Alpha and Omega' as well. I discovered her ability to manipulate the On Demand functionality when I received a ridiculous cable bill. We were charged 9.99 for each instance of 'Black Death' and 4.99 for 'Alpha and Omega' and 'Conviction'

I called Comcast when Katelyn ordered 'Black Death' for the third time and was told that we wouldn't be charged if less than 1/2 an hour of a movie was watched. I tried to explain that we never watched 'Black Death' and we most certainly did not order it two times in a three day span. Nor did we order 'Conviction' or 'Alpha and Omega', but I agreed that a charge for 'Alpha...' was warranted because the kids sat down and watched that one (I thought it was on HBO On Demand, not PPV On Demand). The customer service rep wouldn't budge, the best he could do was to tell me to set a pin number to block On Demand...which would be fine if setting a PIN was in any way useful and not a massive nuisance. When I tried to tell him that my daughter was ordering the movies and turning the TV off when she got an eyeful of 'Black Death' and not Yo Gabba Gabba, he still wouldn't budge...no empathy, no 'I'll see what I can do', just no. And I didn't feel like getting into it with him so I just hung up.

When I tried establishing a PIN to block On Demand, I discovered that Comcast has set it up where you can't disable On Demand functionality on the remote. All you can do with a PIN is block channels, titles or ratings, not PPV On Demand...and I think Comcast wants it this way. I noticed the other day that during a commercial for 'Megamind' a pop up message that read 'Do You Want To Watch Megamind? Hit 'OK' was displayed all over the screen. There was nothing that stated 'Ask Your Parents/Adult', just 'Hit OK'. Had the girls wanted to watch 'Megamind' all they would have to do is hit the easy to find 'OK' button and I would have been out another $4.99....

Comcast has found another devious way to bleed their customers of money. I try to police and limit the amount of TV my kids watch, but I'm not with them 24/7...and, shocker, sometimes I let them watch TV while I clean the kitchen or finish up some work. While part of me is kind of proud that Katelyn was clever enough to even get to the On Demand menu, I'm not so proud that I don't want my fargin' 25 bones back for PPV movies we didn't watch. Not allowing customers to block On Demand is the kind of business move that does nothing but harvest ill will. I certainly won't forget this when it comes time to shop for another cable provider. And I certainly won't forget the customer service drone that did absolutely nothing to offer assistance. Had the rep given one crap about customer service he would have taken a closer look at our account and seen that we have not ordered a PPV movie since switching over to Comcast. We have ordered some boxing and MMA events, but no movies that I can remember....but all he could do was read from his script.

If you are a Comcast customer and have kids, keep a very, very close eye on your billing statement. There is nothing preventing your kids from ringing up PPV charges on your dime...and good luck with customer service when you call up and try and explain the circumstances of the PPV transactions. Hey, just set up a PIN that does nothing to prevent this from happening again!!!!

Oscar Fashion

All of the attention paid to Oscar red carpet fashion just slays me, mainly because Oscar fashion is an industry unto itself. It’s not like any of the dresses/gowns worn to the Oscars are going to show up en masse at the local Macy’s or Ross Dress For Cheap. Even if they did, when would the average female fashionista wear that heinous sandwich board dress that Cate Blanchett sported to the show Sunday night and not look ridiculous? To work? Date night at Applebees? Neighborhood Bunko?

Back in junior high one of my classmate’s parents bought him a red leather jacket like the one Michael Jackson wore in the ‘Thriller’ video. He was mocked and tormented relentlessly for it, not because Jackson was passé or had fallen out of favor – Michael was at the peak of his popularity when ‘Thriller’ was released – but because it was such an unbelievable poseur move. I mean, who the hell did he think he was showing up to home room in a Michael Jackson jacket? My question to the ladies is this – if a gal showed up at a social function in a dress that was an obvious Oscar night recreation, would you mock the person wearing it, or would you be impressed?

More Random Randomness...Now With Tiger Blood!

Once again, I have found it easier to post something on Facebook rather than blog. While FB offers immediate gratification, it does not satisfy my inner snark…so I am going to continue to try and find time to blog…

And that brings me to Charlie Sheen. I honestly don’t know what to make of the guy. He might be crazy like a fox, or crazy like an unhinged coke fiend. Either way, his antics have been highly entertaining…if his cocaine ingestion is anywhere near what he has hinted at then he has the constitution of Keith Richards and Secretariat combined. He’s a thoroughbred partier if his claims are to be believed. So how did he reportedly pass a recent drug test? Apparently, blow doesn’t stay in your system very long. It’s water soluble, so if he managed to keep his nose out of the stuff for 36 hours or so it is highly possible that he could test clean. All I know is that the guy looks like hell right now, completely worn out and off the rails. His behavior actually reminds me of Tony Montana’s near the end of ‘Scarface’…delusional and aggressively self-confident but with a healthy does of drug fueled paranoia to keep himself in afterburner mode. This will not end well.

I’m not sure why people watch American Idol. Most of the ‘talent’ I’ve seen this season is mediocre …we’re talking community college Spring musical vocal chops here… and the country fella with the deep voice looks like a ventriloquist puppet brought to life by black magic. The new judges are laughable. Jennifer Lopez judging a singing competition is almost as bad as Paula Abdul judging a singing competition…both of their voices combined are weaker than the Obama administration’s handling of the ongoing uprisings in the Middle East. At least Paula brought the crazy, J-Lo’s well practiced earnestness is just annoying. Randy Jackson is still a tool and Steven Tyler is, well…I don’t even know why he’s on the show. What does he bring to the table besides tie-dyed scarves and fashion sense he seems to have learned from watching ‘Crocodile Dundee’? The only AI winners that seem to have amounted to anything are Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood...and Clarkson seems to be more interested in the craft services table rather than singing these days. Daughtry is just wretched and don’t try and argue with me about it, you’ll lose.

While I didn’t think the Oscars were the disaster some highly emotional pundits seem to believe it was, I do think the Academy needs to give Justin Timberlake a shot at hosting. He’s a song/dance guy, is likable, and doesn’t take himself too seriously. James Franco treated his hosting duties as if it were another one of his side projects or performance art…I almost felt bad for Anne Hathaway until she started cheerleading about ½ through the show. Her fawning over Oprah was dumb. Timberlake knows how to work a crowd and keep a live show moving. Plus, he has experience. He has hosted the ESPYs before and was able to dole out zingers to a bunch of egomaniacal performance enhanced jocks and survive. ‘Roid rage is nothing to scoff at.

Anyhoo – the Oscars...why ‘The Kids Are Alright’ was nominated for anything is a mystery. The writers and directors had a much better film lurking in the shadows of what was produced. Why the son wanted to find the donor/father was not even touched, and I have a feeling that was done intentionally as to not offend the tender liberal sensibilities this film was aimed at.

‘Inception’ was probably the best film I saw last year with ‘Toy Story 3’ a close second. I still have to see ‘The Fighter’, but something tells me Marky Mark is going to be the weak link in that movie. When are people going to realize that Wahlberg is a lousy one-note actor? He’s the J-Lo of the movie industry…financially successful, but in the end his performances are forgettable. Oh, and I haven’t seen ‘True Grit’ yet either…or ‘Black Swan’…those I will catch on DVD when they come out….’True Grit’ looks good though, and it is a Cohen Bros film…so it has that going for it.

Am I the only one using the Deli entrance at Top Foods to avoid the Girl Scout Cookie Assassins lying in wait by the main entrance?

That’s all I have for now, and I know that this is another disappointing post…but I’ve got some stuff in the hopper that should make up for this lameness….