Lawnmower Man

My lawnmower died yesterday. After a particularly brutal stretch of muddy lawn the belt that drives the blade and self-propelled front wheels snapped like Private Pyle in 'Full Metal Jacket'. There was a loud bang and then the engine seized up. I'm hoping that all I need is a new belt and that the Lawnmower Man that resides in the trailer park at the bottom of the hill can fix it. Cheap. Otherwise I'll have to buy a new lawnmower or a used one at a garage sale and, to be honest, that's not an expense I was planning on.

Now, a new decent lawnmower (not a fancy pants Honda or John Deere or Toro) will cost around 300 bones. That's not an awful lot of money, but it's enough to derail my savings plans to prepare for the upcoming zombie apocalypse, 2012 Mayan fever dream natural disasters, airborne Ebola outbreak or, God forbid, my AC unit giving up the ghost this summer. I can't have a busted up lawnmower eating into my budget for emergency food supplies and bullets. Lots and lots of bullets. I know some financial advisers have diversified their clients into gold. Me? I've taken out a long position on lead and lead delivery systems. If I'm going to defend this cul-de-sac from marauding hordes of zombies infected with hemorrhagic fever during a heat wave I am going to need ammo and plenty of it. And overpriced freeze dried peaches. That should get the job done.

Soooooo, remember when I went off on hipster doofus types that sarcastically ask 'what's a CD'? Well, here's a shocker for ya...I'm going to be a wee bit hypocritical. Why? Because I cannot stand people that read the newspaper on the train. Newspapers are dumb. The 'news' they are reporting on is stale before the ink is dry. The paper is also cumbersome and unwieldy and again, dumb. Why not skip on the newspaper and invest in a phone that allows you to get news as close to up to the minute as possible? I honestly feel like snatching the newspapers out of the hands of these stuck in the past cretins, wadding it up, and then feeding it to them section by section. Yes, well.

The Better Half and I watched 'Country Strong' this weekend. I liked that movie much more when Jeff Bridges starred in it, the music was better, and it was called 'Crazy Heart'. 'Country Strong' was just 'Country Wrong' (see what I did there...zing!) in my book. The movie had the subtle stink of condescension and a general loathing for the subject matter...I don't know if a movie can sneer at the audience it was intended for, but 'Country Strong' comes close. I'm also getting tired of Tim McGraw, um...actor. He sucks. The best part of his performance in 'Country Strong' was his Nic Cage hair piece. He needs to go back to being Mr. Faith Hill, weak voiced style over substance no talent having ass clown...and not since Minnie Driver in 'Good Will Hunting' has a female love interest had a forehead as pronounced and prominent as Leighton Meester's. For a moment there during the movie I thought I fell asleep and woke up to catch National Geographic's documentary on Neanderthals. That was a great documentary. 'Country Strong' sucked a mountain of baboon arse.

I hit up Top Foods after my workout tonight. Had to get some bread, milk and cream cheese. The lines were quite long in the early evening and while I was waiting one of the personal trainers from my gym got in line behind me...the trainer chiseled out of granite with the physique of a super hero. This guy. I got all uncomfortable due to the heavy carb and fat content of my groceries. He was buying broccoli and more broccoli and a small piece of carrot cake as a reward for taking 4th overall this past weekend at Emerald Cup. I got so uncomfortable with my purchases that I turned around and started talking to him...and me trying to talk when feeling uncomfortable is a fargin train wreck. Anyhoo, I turned around, held up my basket and said, 'this is just a horrific basket of groceries to be lugging around in front of a personal trainer'. He laughed...and punched me in the face....well, no. He did show me the carrot cake, so I felt better...until he told me he is an all natural body builder and is five years older than me. Then I felt sad and tubby and gross...so I came home and ate both tubs of cream cheese right out of the container. Okay, I didn't do that...but I felt like it. He has indirectly shamed me into a low carb routine...shame is a powerful motivator.

That's all I've got for now...coming tomorrow, the long awaited retro-review of Prince's 'Around The World In A Day'! Woot?

Say Wha?

It turns out that sketchy convenience stores in the downtown area are good for more than just buying non-winning lotto tickets and getting shot in the head like Harrison Ford in ‘Regarding Henry’ – you can also buy somewhat obscure candy bars at these places (while sidestepping winos and hobos in the doorway). I bought a Whatchamacalit at lunch today to celebrate the raise I wasn’t certain I would get…not because I’m a shite employee, but because I’m somewhat paranoid about those sorts of things. Anyhoo, I hadn’t seen a Whatchmacalit in the wild for years, so I was kind of excited about the purchase as this was my favorite candy bar as a kid. While the packaging was the same, the candy itself was shrunk down quite a bit…it’s much flatter than it used to be while the cost has shot up about 200%. Still, I enjoyed my celebratory Whatchamacalit and the opportunity to play dodge the wino in the doorway.

I was finally able to mow the bog I call a backyard over the weekend. I also hauled about 400 lbs of Preen infused mulch around and distributed it amongst the various flower beds…but no matter how many bags of mulch you buy, you always wind up 3 bags short. So, I’ll be making a stop at Lowe’s on the way home for more…

Speaking of hardware stores – beware of Home Depot and their home consultants. We asked for someone to come out from Home Depot to give us an estimate on some windows. The seals on just about all of our downstairs windows have failed…one to the point that water is actually building up between the panes of glass, so we need windows. I thought I made it clear to the Home Depot rep that called me and the gent that showed up at our house that we just wanted an estimate and to save the high pressure sales tactics. Well, guess what didn’t happen? The Home Depot window rep has been all but stalking me since visiting our house 10 days ago. I get a call a day from him, sometimes two…and once he even swung by the house unannounced. That is completely unacceptable. So, guess which company we WON’T be hiring to replace our windows? If you said, ‘Home Depot’, you win! I’m not sure when the meaning of the word ‘estimate’ became ‘please harass me and overstay your welcome in my home as I repeatedly tell you that I am not buying new windows today…or tomorrow…or ever from you!’

So, yeah – nice work, Home Depot windows consultant, you talked your company out of work…and I don’t even think I want to step foot in one of your stores again!

The Better Half and I finally watched ‘Black Swan’ over the weekend. I thought it was okay, although both of us were laughing at the absurdity of the movie more than once. Nice bit of work in casting Winona Ryder as the aging and unhinged ballerina, she was much better than ‘hot girl du jour’ Mila Kunis. I fear Darren Aronofsky is turning into a bit of a one trick pony as a director as ‘Black Swan’ had a lot in common with ‘The Wrestler’ as far as story arc is concerned. In fact, both movies end in a similar manner…I give it a 6 on a scale of 1-10 mehs.

You know what was compelling TV? ESPN’s 30 for 30 on Marcus Dupree…in fact, all of the 30 for 30s I have watched have been outstanding, especially the docs on the former Yugoslavian basketball team and Pablo/Andres Escobar. Both are worth watching if you get the chance….

That’s all I’s gots for now…

Back Amongst The Living

Whatever illness that was visited upon me has finally been exorcised from me. I still have some lung congestion, but I was able to work out last night. While I didn't set any records on the treadmill, I did hit three miles in under 35 minutes...yeah, it was 34:56, but under 35 minutes. I'll take it.

One of the benefits of my illness is that all food tasted gross, so I subsisted on V8, fruit, and the occasional bowl of Campbell's alphabet soup. That means I dropped 15 lbs in just under 9 days due to my slo-mo anorexic diet and dehydration. I've put 4 of those elbees back on due to re-hydrating, but the appetite is still suppressed...and I'll deal with that as I could stand to lose about another 30 lbs.

Not much else is going on. It's review time at work - again. Quarterly reviews suck a mountain of arse, not sure why we don't flip to a semi-annual cycle. Quarterly reviews dilute the impact and effectiveness of the feedback, in my opinion. So, I'll have to sequester myself away and find new and exciting ways to tell my direct reports that they are meeting expectations. Good times.

Oh, a little more Taylor Swift bashing...in her latest song 'Mean' she takes some shots at someone that told her she can't sing, so she calls him 'mean'. Notice that she didn't say he was wrong, because then she'd be lying. I understand why Taylor Swift is popular with tween and teen girls, but what I don't understand is the music industry's insistence on letting her perform live. Taylor Swift is a train wreck when she sings live. Her flat delivery and 1/2 octave range coupled with her spastic gyrations and hair flips makes her unwatchable. At some point Swift's fans are going to grow up and abandon her in droves...and she just doesn't have the vocal chops to carry on to appeal to a mature audience. Her Sweet Valley High meets Judy Blume lyrics will have to evolve as well if she ever wants to be taken seriously.