Cable Alternatives

It's that time of year again, folks...that time when I start looking over our finances and bills and start wondering where to trim costs.  Right now, I'm looking right at you Comcast/Xfinity.  Sadly, I can't kill my cable internet connection as work has specific requirements for high speed connections.  Plus, DSL blows and the jokers from CenturyLink hosed my neighbor over so eff them...so I have to keep Comcast cable internet.

What I don't need to keep is Comcast/Xfinity cable TV.  If it were up to me I would whack every premium channel we have and use Netflix to supplement.  Stuff like Roku has appeal, but I wouldn't be able to watch NFL games at home.  DirecTV doesn't play well with cable internet due to some odd wiring at the house...so, I turn to you faithful 9 readers...what does your TV setup consist of?  Do you use Roku or Hulu?  How well does it work?

I plan on calling Comcast today to downgrade our service, like giving up one of the DVRs and cutting the premium channels, especially since Game Of Thrones is on hiatus and I have no idea when Boardwalk Empire is set to resume (oh crapola, season three of Boardwalk Empire starts in September).  Anyhow, I need to scale back because our cable bill is the equivalent of a used car payment ($200 a month...I didn't say an expensive used car, now did I?)    

The Dark Knight Rises...and Falls

Today was my annual trip to the movie theater...although I can't remember for the life of me what I saw at the theater last year...hmmm....anyhoo, today I took in a viewing of 'The Dark Knight Rises'.  I walked out of the theater with an overwhelming feeling of 'meh', which has since given way to full blown disappointment.


Now, I'm going to be honest here...I don't give a rat's flying ass about Batman comics, video games, canon, legends, fan fiction, etc.  What made 'Batman Begins' such a breath of fresh air was the fact that it was a very good movie about a comic book character, not a comic book movie.  Christopher Nolan set the bar even higher with 'The Dark Knight', a movie that had more in common with 'Heat' then it did with any other comic franchise...and Heath Ledger as the Joker was sheer brilliance, in the hands of a lesser actor that role would have torn 'TDK' from the hinges of the story Nolan was trying to tell.  'TDKR', sadly, felt too much like a comic book movie, intermingled with 70's Roger Moore era James Bond, and served up with a heaping helping of Lucas Suck Sauce.

'Hold on,' you are probably asking yourself, 'are you saying this movie was Star Wars Prequel/Moonraker bad?'  No, not at all...what I'm saying is that Christopher Nolan's last Batman installment felt as if there was a better story that he was wanting to tell that, for whatever reason, didn't get told.  The plot holes and shoddy character development/motivations are a lot to overcome.  Part of me thinks that Nolan felt some pressure to please the studio, and if so, it is a crying shame.  If that is the case, Nolan should have made the film he wanted to make and given the studio a gigantic 'eff you' flaming middle finger.  In the current climate of film making an eventual Batman reboot is inevitable, so why not do what you will with the story-arc you created?  The scenes that are obvious in their intent to hand the reigns of the series over to Joseph Gordon-Levitt are handled in such a hamfisted and clumsy manner that they almost feel tacked on.  At one point Batman tells JGL's character, 'wear a mask when you are working alone'.  Okay then, why not just give him the address to the Batcave as well?  Oh, yeah....

There are so many things wrong with 'TDKR' that it's almost impossible for me to start...but I'll give it a shot...

Christopher Nolan tries to make us believe that Bruce Wayne hung it up as Batman because he went all emo billionaire recluse after the death of Rachel Dawes in 'TDK'.  Also, something called the Harvey Dent act locked up every criminal on the streets and threw them into a maximum security prison in the middle of downtown Gotham City.  Yep.  On the Rachel Dawes bit I have to call 'bullsh!t' because the Bruce Wayne/Batman from the first two films was obsessed with fighting evil and darkness, letting his own hate and pain consume him...but in this film he's moping around stately Wayne manor like the world's most physically fit Morrissey fan.  Gotham no longer needs Batman, and Bruce Wayne is too busted up about a girlfriend that died 8 years earlier to do anything about it if they did...which really diminishes the motivation Bruce Wayne used to become Batman in the first place.  If anything, the death of Rachel Dawes should have made him even more unstable.  Mopey Bruce Wayne was worse than sad lumberjack Wolverine...

Bane as a villain is introduced as more than just brute force, there's an intelligence to the character that puts some muscle behind the hustle he's trying to put over on Gotham City and Batman.  However, there were times I just wanted to laugh at Bane because of the ridiculous voice used to deliver his lines...he sounded like a demonic Winnie The Pooh mixed with an old timin' carnival barker with a liberal sprinkling of Humongous from 'The Road Warrior'.  By film's end Bane is reduced to nothing more than a love sick pet with awesome deltoids.  I will say that Tom Hardy, when allowed to unleash Bane's physicality, was brutal...but those moments were few and far between as the dust ups with Batman were blocked in annoying close-up tracking shots.  Also, every time Bane did snap a neck or rip off a face, it was done off camera, so the audience is never really given an opportunity to witness what Bane was capable of.

Not being a Batman nerd, I'm not entirely familiar with Bane's back story (fires up iPhone and pulls up Bane's wikipedia page) - Huh.  Apparently, the Bane of 'TDKR' has very little in common with the Bane of the Batman comics.  I'm surprised there hasn't been an uptick in violent and bitter nerd rage over Nolan's treatment of Bane...

How the hell did Bane find the time to fly Bruce Wayne to the prison that looked like the well Leonidas kicked the Persian messengers into in '300'?  You would think the military would be tracking any aircraft or ships that left Gotham, and with this fancy pants stuff called satellite imaging the military would have been able to see the prison hole from goddam Neptune.  Not in this movie - Bane is able to leave Gotham, fly to Whereevertheeffistan (or South Africa/America?  where exactly was this place?), drop Bruce off, set up a sweet 27 inch Trinitron for Bruce to witness the destruction of the city he fought so hard to defend, and then fly back to Gotham. 

Better yet, how the hell did Bruce Wayne get back to Gotham after escaping from the prison well?  He's broke (Bane's stock exchange raid was executed to remove Bruce Wayne from his wealth...Bane must have used Wayne's money to take long positions in Facebook and GM...zing!), he has no ID, his back was recently busted up by Bane, yet he shows up back in Gotham clean shaven and sporting a Burberry jacket looking like he stepped out of the pages of Men's Health. 

Speaking of broken backs, Bruce Wayne is able to heal up thanks to the prison doctor having him hang from some rope for a while and then punching his vertebrae back into place.  Screw stem-cell research, more back punching and rope hanging for spinal injury victims!

Commissioner Gordon has no idea that Bruce Wayne is Batman, although Gordon is the one person that has probably spent the most time with Batman.  Yet, a rookie cop is able to figure out Wayne is Batman from a brief orphanage visit several years back...something about seeing pain on his face.  Okay then. 

Anne Hathaway is definitely the most attractive actress with a face that looks like it was cobbled together from spare doll parts to play Catwoman.  She looked great in costume...but it sometimes felt like she was acting in an entirely different movie.  The playful, campy tone of her character was in contrast to the overall bleak tone of the film.  Perhaps that was what Nolan was going for, making Selina Kyle/Catwoman a light in a very dark world...someone to give Bruce Wayne hope for a life outside of being Batman, etc.  Then why have Bruce get it on with Miranda/Talia? 

The plot, itself, was one big McGuffin Chase.  See, Bane kidnaps and fakes the death of a Russian scientist and then has some rich guy named Daggett hire Selina Kyle to steal Bruce Wayne's fingerprints to pull off the stock exchange plan that puts control of Wayne Enterprises into the hands of some gal named Miranda who turns out to be the daughter of Ra's Al-Ghul so she can have access to the fusion reactor she and Wayne Enterprises developed so she can turn it into a bomb to destroy Gotham thus fulfilling Ra's Al-Ghul's master plan from 'Batman Begins'.  However, Ra's and the League of Shadows want to burn Gotham to the ground because it has become a corrupt and crime-ridden hellhole.  By the time of 'TDKR', Gotham is all but crime free...so why would the League of Shadows want to destroy it?  Exactly - Nolan turns the League Of Shadows into nothing more than a gang of hired thugs employed by Talia Al-Ghul to exact revenge for her father's death.   Everything else in the movie is done to move this revenge plot forward...

Speaking of hired thugs...where do super villains find all the lackeys that do their bidding these days?  Labor Ready?

How did Bane know where the Applied Science division of Wayne Enterprises was when it was off the books?  Not even Miranda/Talia knew where it was, yet Bane builds his super bad guy base directly below it.  

For a city under siege, Gotham was mighty orderly...it even looked like garbage service was running. Thanks to the Waste Management strike in our area, my neighborhood looks more unsightly than Gotham City...and we don't have a crazy buffed out dude wearing a vintage microphone goatee on his face running the town. 

Alfred gave the ending of the movie away and at no time did I ever think Bruce Wayne was dead.  That just wasn't going to happen, which really diminished any tension or urgency from the plot. 

I've gone on quite a bit here and really kind of piled onto this movie.  I didn't hate it, but it was definitely a let down and a very unsatisfying end to a very ambitious project.  Part of me thinks Nolan was tired of the subject matter and took the easy way out, but he also hinted at being limited in scope by the studio.  Perhaps he had a darker ending in mind for Batman, we'll never know. 

If I had to rate this movie on a scale of one to five, I would give it a two.  There's one Talia scene near the end that almost derails the entire film due to some of the worst acting ever put on film...we are talking Sophia Coppola and Padme's death bad...I almost laughed out loud.  That scene alone cost this film half a star in my book...

Girls On Film

Parts 2 and 3 of our California adventure are still in draft form...I'll finish those up as soon as I complete the mind numbing, yet extremely important, task of backing up all of the photos from the hard drive that resides within the very creaky desktop PC...a PC I hope to replace soon with either a Mac, Mac Book, or a couple of iPads...sorry Windows, but you are getting the boot...

Anyhoo, back to clicking and dragging and renaming folders....good times, great oldies...

Disneyland Trip - Part 1 of 3

I originally planned on writing one gigantic blog post detailing the Pescado family vacation to Disneyland.  However, since I barely have the time or creative energy to write a craptacular 500 word post on a daily basis, I decided to trash my overly ambitious plan to get all Tolstoy on your asses...so prepare for a Hemingwayesque recap of our trip, but unlike Hemingway I'm not suicidally drunk (yet) and possess more than a 100 word vocabulary.

I'm going to go on record and state that I adore Disneyland.  Walt's vision of creating a true theme park with story driven rides was created for saps like me. You can keep your Six Flags and their roller coasters designed for the adrenaline junkies, that's not my bag.  Keep that in mind as I run through all of my likes and dislikes about Disneyland.  So yeah, I'm drinkin' the Disney kool-aid and totally buy what they are selling, literally and figuratively.

Disney's California Adventure, on the other hand, has always left me somewhat cold.  That park is disjointed and really doesn't have much holding it together.  Yeah, I get that it's supposed to be a celebration of California, but that never really explained the inclusion of the A Bug's Life themed portion of the park.  A Bug's Life is a great film, but didn't have any characters that kids could really identify with or take to heart.  Therefore, ABL is now Pixar's most underappreciated and least commercial film, their Kid A if you will.   Disney might come to regret creating that portion of the park someday if they don't already...

The other attractions at DCA are fine as stand-alone rides, especially Grizzly River Run and Soarin' Over California.  Oddly enough, those are the two rides that are the most 'California' in nature and speak to the theme of the park.  There's cohesion between the two rides, which adds to the experience.  Disney must have received an earful concerning DCA, because they spared no expense when it came to their latest addition - Cars Land.

Cars Land is awesome.  The attention to detail and creative effort Disney's imagineers put into the recreation of Radiator Springs was not lost on me at all and even gave me a new appreciation for the Cars movies (Cars and Cars 2 are by far my least favorite Pixar films).  Radiator Springs is a living, breathing place now, completely organic...it is that immersive.  What Cars Land also accomplishes is that it ties DCA together even more, giving the park's identity a much needed shot of character...and let's be honest, what sets Disney parks apart from all others is the amount of brand equity Disney/Pixar has vested in all of us.  Take away the iconic characters and their stories and all you have is another not so thrilling amusement park.  And that's exactly what Disney's California Adventure was before the addition of Cars Land.

Now, enough of my yappin'...let's boogie!  What did I like and dislike about our trip to Disneyland.  First up, what I was diggin':

Radiator Springs Racers - As I stated earlier, Disney went balls out when it came to recreating Radiator Springs.  The same can be said for the Radiator Springs Racers ride, a throwback attraction that conjures up the creativity and thoughtful story telling that went into Splash Mountain.  RSR is a lot more than just a low grade thrill ride, it takes you through the Cars franchise and the rider gets reintroduced to characters from the franchise as well as 'live' certain moments.  I won't give you a blow by blow of the ride, just know that it is a damn good one.  Is it worth the 2 + hour wait times?  Uh, no...we'll touch on that later.

Splash Mountain - This has always been my favorite ride, regardless of theme park.  I've always enjoyed the story that gets told, the animatronic characters, and of course, the drop off at the end.  Splash Mountain is just a great ride, old school Disney at it's best.  Sidenote:  I had to trick little Katelyn into going on Splash Mountain.  She was dead set against it and was beginning to really dig in her heels.  So, I had to lie to her and tell her that the screams she was hearing were coming from another ride and that Splash Mountain was nothing more than a gentle boat ride like It's A Small World....conveniently leaving out the part about the 50 foot plunge.  Yes, well.  At the end of the ride Katelyn was seriously pissed at me and whatever amount of credibility I had with her lay in soggy tatters amidst the fiberglass brambles surrounding the splash zone.  If Katelyn ever becomes a stripper (with a heart of gold!) that gets a Lifetime movie made about her, her descent into debauchery will be traced to the time I deceived her concerning the nature of Splash Mountain.  If she can't believe in me, who can she believe in?!?!?
  
 Lack Of Lines - Radiator Springs Racers and Cars Land in general really took a lot of pressure off the queues for other attractions.  Pirates Of The Caribbean, Haunted Mansion, Autopia, Nemo's Submarines, It's A Small World, Jungle Cruise, and the sunglasses devouring Big Thunder Mountain Railroad were at times walk on rides or 1/2 hour waits at most.  With strategic use of the Fast Pass system it was possible to bounce from ride to ride with minimal time spent in line.  If you are going to Disneyland anytime soon then I suggest downloading one of the Disneyland queue time apps for your smart phone.  Having that app gave us a good idea as to which rides we would target or hit up while waiting for our Fast Pass time or what have you.

Having daughters - Let's be honest, Disneyland is about Disney princesses.  Being blessed with three girls gives me a new appreciation and fondness for Sleeping Beauty's Castle and Fantasyland.  The look on Jossy and Katelyn's faces when they first laid eyes on that castle is something I'll never forget.  And Jossy saying that her tummy was 'tingly' as we walked towards the gates was a small moment to her, but one I'll cherish.  The ability to tap into a child's wonder and imagination will always be Walt Disney's legacy, and for that I salute him.  I also salute his successors for reviving the princess tradition that allows little girls to dream about far away lands and fairy tales.

With that being said, here's what I didn't like so much about Disneyland...or things that could use improving:

Mr. Toad's Wild Ride - Mr. Toad has to go.  Why Disney has not repurposed the space currently being occupied by Mr. Toad is baffling.  I know 'purists' hate the notion of Mr. Toad being shut down, but purists can be idiots at times.  Hitler was a purist, and look what that got us.  Anyhoo, Disney needs to get their imagineers to work on creating a Beauty And the Beast themed ride, in the same style as the new Ariel's Adventure at DCA.  Where the Toad now squats would be the perfect place for that.  Call it Belle's Beastly Journey or Belle's Be Our Guest Adventure, but make it happen before I'm too old to ride anything but the benches on the carousel next to moms nursing their babies and hip replacement recipients.

Tomorrowland - Tomorrowland is so, so yesterday.  No place at Disneyland is as backwards looking as Tomorrowland.  Disney, here's another idea that I'm giving you...find a way to compensate me later.  If you haven't already started making plans to incorporate Wall-E into Space Mountain, then start firing everyone on your creative staff post haste!  Shut the ride down for 6 months and find a way to turn Space Mountain into Wall-E World.  The infrastructure of the ride can remain in place, but lordy, gut everything else...add holograms of Wall-E, animatronics of Eve...just make it happen!  Turn the entire Space Mountain building into a Buy N' Large, retrofit the roller coaster cars to look like the floaty things people rode around in 'cause they were too atrophied to propel themselves using their legs...if you need me to help you out, just shoot me an email.  And while you are busy with Space Mountain, put Captain EO to rest.  I'm sure their was an uptick in interest after Michael Jackson died, and like good capitalists you made sure to get in on that action by calling it a 'tribute' to MJ...but enough is enough.  Let Cap'n EO and Mr. Toad ride off into the sunset together...I'm sure Bubbles wouldn't mind the company.

Matterhorn - Holy schmoly, the track to the left of the boarding area for the Matterhorn is nothing short of abusive.  The new bobsleds are nice and all, but that means sweet eff all if the ride itself is leaving riders with permanent damage to their spinal cords.  Criminey, my back was wrenched so hard on one turn my feet tingled.  I don't think that's supposed to happen.  The second track is just fine...maybe find a way to make the first track less like something you'd experience in a Hellraiser movie, yes?

Star Tours - Like everything else remotely Star Wars like of late, I was underwhelmed by the new Star Tours.  In fact, I was underwhelmed and motion sick afterwards...the 3D effects and the sweltering heat kind of put me over the edge, so I did not enjoy the Star Tours experience much at all.

Now, for my Disneyland helpful hints!

1.  Pack plenty of water...when you think you've packed enough, pack more.  Remaining hydrated is key to surviving that place if it is remotely hot outside.  Why Disneyland doesn't incorporate the Las Vegas/Phoenix misters to keep patrons cool is borderline criminal, especially at the older rides within Fantasyland that get hammered by the sun.

2.  Use rides like It's A Small World and Pirates Of The Caribbean to take a break and cool off.  Yeah, both rides are kind of on the slow side, but they go for a while and are indoors and air conditioned.  I think we rode IASW and POTC at least three times each, partly because the girls liked them, but also because it gave everyone a chance to get out of the heat.

3.  The snack shop by the Jungle Cruise carries the most healthy snacks at Disneyland.  If you don't want to partake of burgers and fries, then by all means load up on mango and coconut water at this snack shop.  Toon Town has a place that sells a decent cold turkey sandwich and a small fruit stand too, so that's always an option.  California Adventure has a couple of smaller snack shops with fruit and veggies as well, just not inside the joint by Soarin' Over California...Sidenote:  Add this to my list of Disney dislikes....ya'll has got to figure out a way to move people in and out of your restaurants faster.  There is an unacceptable amount of inefficiency at the snack bars, especially the one located in Tomorrowland.  Poach a restaurant efficiency analyst from McDonald's and get those lines moving!

4.  Plan to eat lunch/dinner during off hours.  Better yet, eat when there is a parade...get your food and stake out some real estate on the parade route.  Or, if in Tomorrowland, wait for the Jedi Academy to start a show...there will be lots of people milling around, but not in line for food...that's your chance to get in and get out in a hurry.

5.  Don't try to get a Fast Pass for Radiator Springs Racers if you aren't one of the first in line to enter the park when the rope drops.  Just haul ass to the ride itself, suck it up and wait it out.  If you want to ride again, opt for the single rider option, especially if everyone in you party is over 7...if they aren't, then coach those under 7 to say they are 7 when asked.  Trust me on this one.  Yes, you run the risk of not being in the same car as someone you know, but if you really want to go through again, single rider is your best shot at glory.

6.  Use the Fast Pass system to your advantage and create your ride strategy around your Fast Pass return time.  Let's say you have a Fast Pass time of 11:05 - 12:05 for Splash Mountain.  Use that hour to knock out Pirates of the Caribbean and/or the Haunted Mansion, you'll more than likely will have time for both...return to Splash Mountain, ride it on down, and then head off to grab your next Fast Pass for Indiana Jones or Big Thunder Mountain Rail Road and start the process again.  Paddle the canoes or ride the ferry to what used to be Tom Sawyer's island...there's always something to do, and if you play your Fast Pass cards right you won't waste time and energy running all over the park or standing in line.

7.  Ride the train to get from one side of the park to the other, walking is for chumps, especially as the day wears on and you have a 3 1/2 year old that is getting tuckered out.

8.  They aren't lying about Grizzly River Run's potential to soak you.  We were drenched.  I nearly lost my phone.  That is not a ride to trifle with, especially if you are the unfortunate that sits next to one of the rafts opening.  An enormous amount of water gets into the raft on that ride and you your clothes will get very, very wet.  If you have to take your phone with you, place it in a plastic baggie that can be tightly secured.  I think there are lockers you can rent if you want to bring a change of clothes as well.  Again, they ain't be kiddin' about that being a water ride....

That's all I've got for now, and I'm sure that I am forgetting some obvious tips.  I'll touch on those (if I remember exactly what it is I forgot) in the next two installments...adieu!