Carry That Weight

I started watching what I eat at the beginning of the month in anticipation of our trip to Disneyland. The goal was to drop at least 15 el-beeze before July 8th. As of about 20 minutes ago, I'm down 18 lbs, which is really good. My end of summer goal was to be 30 lbs lighter heading into fall. I'm on pace for that as well. Why the 'Disney Diet'? Well, at some point during our three day visit to the Magic Kingdom one of the girls is going to collapse into a heap and will need to be carried. Lugging a kid and 15 lbs of garbage weight around my midsection just wasn't going to work. Also, my knees haven't been magically cured, they still give out and ache. I figured if I lost some weight that would be less stress on the knees...lastly, I don't want to look like a fat tub of goo in photos from our trip. Vanity can be a powerful motivator... The downside to losing weight is that most of my clothes no longer really fit me. Today I felt I looked a'ight enough to tuck my shirt in. The problem was that the shirt was roughly the size of an a-frame tent. When I tucked it in there was so much loose fabric that every time I raised my arms it looked like I was wearing a goddam flying squirrel suit...you know, one of these things. Secondly, I had to tighten my belt to the point it was almost painful. I would have been better off rolling like Jethro and tying some twine around my waist to hold my britches up. Aside from the uncomfortable cinching there was the matter of my gig line, which was all effed up. Non-military folks may not know what a gig line is, but I do, and I don't like it being effed. You civilian pukes read this wiki entry about gig lines. ANYWAY, I'm going to need a new belt pretty soon too...which is a nice issue to deal with when you are going a size smaller... Wow...I took something about me losing weight and managed to find a way to bitch about it. Imagine that... Speaking of weight loss, according to my doctor I could probably go a month without food and would still probably weigh close to 200 lbs. That seemed like a crazy statement until he took measurements of my wrists. I'm apparently a direct descendent of Neanderthals, hence the bone density of a Discovery channel biped. I think I'll look up one of those evolutionary charts that shows the progress of man from cave dwelling man ape to where we are today...maybe I'll spot my great-great grandfather in the photos...

King Of The Road!

I'm starting to get excited about our road trip to Southern California. It's been 20 years since the last time I made what used to be a routine drive up and down I-5 for me. Back in my Air Force days I became an expert at driving from Edwards AFB out in the middle of the Mojave to Port Orchard and back again. I would sometimes make that drive on a long weekend, leave from California at 4:30 and drive Def Leppard style on through the night and arrive in PO the next afternoon...yeah, I was a mess from all the Mountain Dew and Vivarin that kept me awake...but I'd take a quick nap and then meet up with my friends. I'd hang with them for a day and a half and then make the long drive back. My fear of flying allowed me to justify the ridiculous amount of driving I did...but it was fun, except for the time I'm pretty sure I was abducted by aliens in Weed, CA and woke up in Medford, OR...it was aliens or driving on pure instinct because I just remember having to pull over because I had no idea what happened during the block of time.

There will be none of that this trip. We'll be stopping just south of Redding for some pool time and to get some sleep so everyone will be in tip top shape for the second half of the trip to SoCal. We'll be staying at the Anaheim Hilton upon arrival and then hitting Disneyland for three days of park hopping and line waiting fun in the sun. Good times, good times....

Randomization...

...Maddy's Cal Ripken Jr. like streak of perfect school attendance came to an end this year. The streak was halted by that crazy virus/rash/heat exposure incident that saw half her face swell up like an agitated puffer fish. She went to school each day she was under the weather, but when it was really bad she asked to see the school nurse. The nurse took her temperature, gave me a ring, and I picked her up before the magic cut off time of 1pm for the entire day to count. Maddy was disappointed that the streak ended, but she's ready to start a new one. Oh, and she made honor roll this year, let's hope that's a streak she wishes to continue. Lordy knows her old man didn't exactly burn up the academic charts back in the day... Anyhoo, I watched a couple of movies over the weekend that did nothing more than illicit strong feelings of 'meh' from me. The first flick was 'The Grey', which was kinda sorta interesting for what amounted to nothing more than 'Jaws' in the woods...although the ending of Jaws would have been way cooler if Chief Brody had taped broken airplane bottles of hooch to his hands and punched the shark to death. Oh well, maybe they'll try that scenario in the inevitable reboot...the one that will make the shark the victim and Brody and crew the real maneaters...because they will be zombies. So, yeah...'The Grey'...aside from some fantastic attack sequences and a harrowing depiction of a plane crash that did nothing to calm my fear of flying, the movie was just okay. Liam Neeson is always a strong presence on screen, and he doesn't disappoint...I've just seen this story told before with sharks/zombies/cave dwelling ghouls, so from that perspective it's old hat...aside from the wolf punching with broken bottle hands... The second movie I sat through was 'Safe House', a movie that was predictable and boring and should end the notion that Ryan Reynolds can co-carry anything but the next Van Wilder installment. Our Disney trip is planned, now we just have to find a place to stay at the 1/2 way point. Now, I've made the trip between SoCal and Washington quite a few times...and most of those times I pulled the trip off non-stop. However, last time I did that drive I was 22. Yes, back in 2006 I did drive non-stop from Auburn, WA to Las Vegas and that decision was regrettable. Jossy was just a few weeks old, Maddy was three, and yet I thought it would be nothing short of awesome to drive to Las Vegas. That trip took 25 hours because we had to stop every couple of hours for potty breaks, diaper changes, and to give me a chance to reload on caffeine. We were also nearly carjacked by Russians at 2am somewhere in Idaho (but that's a story for another day). By the time we got to Vegas I felt like a lizard having an out of body experience. And although part of me thinks I can still handle a 20+ hour drive, I'm not going to risk putting everyone in jeopardy. Besides, The Better Half keeps reminding me of just how tired I was when we hit Salt Lake City on that Vegas trip...I'll have to take her word for it because I don't remember a thing, mainly because I think I was sleep driving and just keeping it between the ditches on instinct alone. Ya know, that whole Vegas road trip requires it's own blog post...

Father's Day Musings

This was my 8th year of being able to celebrate Father's Day as an actual father. It's a cliche to say that time flies by, but it does. We will never be as young as we are today, time keeps slipping into the future, ain't it funny how time slips away...yeah, we've heard 'em all. Anyway, my 8th year as a father and what have I learned? Well, funny you should ask...here are 5 things I've learned in the 8 years I've been a dad: 1. I am powerless against the wants and desires of my kids. I want to make them happy all the time and, much to their detriment and my own, I cave in harder than a mine shaft built by government contractors when they ask for something. Yes, I'm spoiling them and they aren't learning valuable lessons about...stuff you learn about when your parents deny you some candy or a new Barbie every now and then. It's not like I'm always buying them toys and candy or other treats, but if they do get an unexpected gift there is a 99.9% chance I'm the parent that got it for them. What can I say, I like giving them things. 2. Children are literally pieces of you that have broken off, when they hurt that means you hurt. Whenever any of my kids are hurt or sick, all I want to do is make them feel better. When Maddy broke her arm, I was overcome with feelings of helplessness, I couldn't do anything to make her feel better or undo what happened. It's an awful feeling, and my heart goes out to all parents with kids that may have serious illnesses. Those parents are stronger than I could ever be. 3. This is going to fly in the face of the first item I posted, but my kids want my time and attention more than anything else. Yes, they like the gifts, but what they really appreciate is the time I spend with them gardening, or playing, or just hanging out and listening to them tell me about their day. I figure I've got about 3 more years before Maddy is embarrassed to be seen with me out in public, so I want to spend as much time with her before she's ashamed of me...and that's inevitable, all kids turn on their old man at some point...how I handle that rejection will set the stage for our relationship as she grows older. It won't be easy though... 4. There really is middle child syndrome, and I'm trying like hell to break the cycle. With the first born, everything they do is being witnessed by the new parents...their first steps, dance recital...those are all happening for the first time. We used up a lot of videotape with Maddy. We still felt excited when Jossy took her first steps, lost her first tooth and what have you...but those weren't first times for us as parents or me as a dad. Katelyn is the baby, when she starts kindergarten or loses a tooth, human nature means we are going to give those events much more attention and fanfare because she's our last....we'll never celebrate a first day of kindergarten again. I try really hard to make Jossy feel special and make it a point to attend as many functions as possible...but it wasn't until I became a dad that I saw how the middle child can sometimes get the shaft. Oh, the oldest gets hammered as well, we expect a lot more from the 'big sister', but the oldest always knows they are a little extra special...and the youngest is 'the baby'...the middle child is neither, so I'm working harder to make her feel good about herself, she's 'my Jossy', and nothing will ever change that. 5. I'm boring. I love my daughters more than anything. I talk about them every chance I get. Yep, I'm that guy...the one that thinks coworkers want to hear about field day or the songs Jossy's class sang during 'Donuts With Dad'. Long gone are the days of me waxing pathetic about waking up in a Honey Bucket or spinning tales of staying up for two days straight and needing Mecca bloody Mary's to 'get my equilibrium back'. Nothing makes me happier than my kids, even when they are being whiny and needy and throwing a fit in the middle of Southcenter (I'm looking at you Katelyn, you don't know how close you are to staying with grandma and not going to Disneyland this summer!). Like I said, we'll never be as young as we are today, my kids won't be kids forever...I need to soak all of this in so we can all take these memories with us as we grow older. The best times I remember with my dad (or in my case dads) was when they played trucks with me in the sandbox, or played kickball in the backyard...taking me to see Star Wars for the first time. The trips to Disneyland and other destinations were fun, but they wouldn't have meant as much if there wasn't a solid foundation of little things holding everything up. Little things matter, good and bad, and our actions are constantly being deposited and scrutinized in the great Parental Bank that resides within all of our children...they will remember the heartbreak as much as they will all of the good times, maybe more. It's our job to make sure we don't overdraw the unconditional trust and love they have placed with us. They didn't ask to be born (something I'm sure I'll hear from them more than once), so it is our responsibility to guide, love and protect our kids with every fiber of our being. To me, that's what being a father is all about...well, that and bringing home toys every now and then, sometimes we need the gratification that only comes from being appreciated for bearing gifts.

To All You Ex-Wamulians…

…you owe it to yourself to pick up Kirsten Grind's new book that chronicles the rise and fall of Washington Mutual. I've been following Kirsten's writing ever since she first started reporting on WAMU's failure in the Puget Sound Business Journal. She has spent countless hours researching WAMUs rise from small regional bank to the powerhouse it became before it collapsed. From what I have read so far, WAMU was rotting from the inside out leading up to its failure, overrun by corruption and greed in the Home Lending Group. Excerpts I have read so far are both fascinating and infuriating, especially when Grind writes about the gigantic money suck that was Optis, the silliness of the Occasio branches, and Kerry Killinger's transformation from aww-shucks CEO to a private jet flying exec enamored with his own success.

Follow the link below to pick the book up from Amazon.com…

Preppin’ It Up

I have grown somewhat weary of 'Doomsday Preppers'. The scenarios that some of the families were preparing for were somewhat ridiculous. While I can see the value in having about a week's worth of food and a two week supply of water at the ready, anything more than that seems a wee bit over the top. I do admit that the first few episodes had whipped me into a low grade prepping frenzy (I bought a case of baked beans and green beans at Costco…don't call me unprepared!) and I was seriously contemplating buying a generator, but I have since calmed down. Luckily, each passing episode since the series debut featured bat sh*t insane chicken little types prepping for tsunamis and super volcanoes, and that took the wind out of my prepping sails. Otherwise, I was about another full episode away from using cookie sheets as makeshift armor for my car (cookie sheets are bulletproof, yes?) and strapping a shot gun to the hood and going into Road Warrior mode just to get to the train station every morning.

However, the recent outbreak of news stories featuring bath salt fueled lunatics eating faces and self-styled Canadian Hannibal Lector types going on the lam has me rethinking my doomsday preparedness. While I don't believe in zombies or the living dead (or Bigfoot or ghosts or black bumper Mennonites), I do believe we are on the verge of a semi-serious societal breakdown. The markets are on full-blown life support, propped up by central bank intervention…the Eurozone is in worst shape than is being reported, and Germany can't bail everyone out. The inevitable crash is going to be more spectacular than what we witnessed in 2008. This particular administration has spent trillions propping up the banks. When the house of cards comes crumbling down again, the government will find itself out of solutions. Printing more money will not prevent or soften the blow from what's in store. People are going to get desperate and desperate people can sometimes do unthinkable things. Getting a stronger lock for the front door is on the agenda, that's for sure…but reinforcing the walls of the house with cement and cutting murder holes into the frame are not.

So, yeah….I feel I need to prepare to take care of the family should we hit a rough spot down the road. What are 'prepper' essentials? I'm not anticipating the power grid going off line or a major disruption of water service…but life might become sportier, certain items harder to find or obscenely expensive…I'm just not sure what those items would be….

Wild, Wild West

I caught a majority of the History Channel's excellent 'Hatfields & McCoys' mini series.  By majority I mean that I missed all of part one, so I have no idea what sparked the feud outside of what Wikipedia tells me.  However, I did watch most of part two and all of part three.  Here are some takeaways:

Kevin Costner should stick to doing westerns from now on. His stoic reading aloud of other people's words fits in perfectly with the strong silent types that westerns are contractually obligated to include in their scripts.  Plus, he can grizzle himself up with the best of them.  Costner was perfect as Devil Anse Hatfield.

Bill Paxton can't help but do Bill Paxton things.  He's not a bad actor (he was great on HBO's 'Big Love'), it's just that he's always Bill Paxton...getting lost in a character isn't his strong suit...he's always Bill Paxton.

There really wasn't a 'right' side to the family feud.  Both sides committed atrocities, but in the end I think the Hatfields won in the body count department...if you can call that winning.

Former indie rock darling Juliana Hatfield is a direct descendent of the feudin' and fightin' Hatfield clan.

If I were transported back in time to the wild west days, I think I'd last about a week before getting shot or dying from the general stink of things.  For some reason, while watching the show, I couldn't get over the notion that everyone stunk to high heaven in the olden days.  Everyone wore natural fiber clothing, it was hot, everything was cooked using wood stoves....I mean, I'm pretty certain even the most hygiene conscious back in the day smelled like a bar rag dipped in bong water that was then dried by a smokey fireplace.  Not good.  But the 'Hatfields & McCoys' was a very well done mini series...don't let the stinky looking people fool ya! 

Peas Porridge Hot!

I think I have finally stumbled onto my million dollar idea, the one that is going to allow me to walk away from the daily commute, make me independently wealthy, and turn me into the anti-social recluse I've always dreamed of being...

After all of the Mexican/Korean fusion taco trucks and Ethiopian Cajun Soul Food lunch vans get repo'd and towed away, someone and something is going to have to fill that void.  That's where I come in.  I have seen the future of convenience food, and it is not those dreadful Dipping Dots.  Oh no.  The future is in our collective past, my friends.  I'm talking the original comfort food (and not bourbon, although I have turned to the fiery brown water more than once during times of stress) - porridge.

Yep, I'm planning on opening up a chain of porridge stands across this fine nation of ours with expansion franchises in Canada (although they'll Canadian the porridge up by dousing it in brown gravy and will dip fries into it, but that's their issue, not mine...USA! USA! USA!).  The name of the place will be Three Bears Porridge with the tagline of ...It's Always Juuuuuuust Right.  I figure each location will require about 1,000 square feet to allow for seating and what have you.  The menu will feature breakfast porridge (served all day!), but will also have lunch/dinner options as well...porridge is wicked versatile, ya'll!  It can be served with nothing more than brown sugar or can have various meats and root vegetables cooked right into it as well.  You are limited in options only by your own stunted TV addled imaginations (and ability to pay, that sausage ain't free!).  Each store will have a three bears theme (from the fairy tale, not three big hairy gay dudes), although no one will be required to dress as Goldilocks.  We'll keep it simple.

Here's where you come in. I'm giving each and every one of my 9 faithful readers the chance to get in on the ground floor...no, scratch that...I'm giving each and every one of my 9 faithful readers the chance to get in at crawl space level.  Just send me $1,000 so I can start buying oats and cauldrons and pay for the lease of our flagship store and together we can ride this dream of mine as far as it will take us (queue Starships 'Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now').  Remember, we are only limited by our own imaginations!!!!

And if the porridge thing doesn't work then we can always open a chain of MMA themed gay bars called the Ground & Pound.  Our signature drink will be the rear naked choke, only two per customer per night!