Steer Clear Of The Everclear

Saturday night was one of those nights where things escalated quickly.  I didn't stab a man in the heart with a trident and no one burst into flames, but a relatively easy going get together got away from me.  In a hurry.

Had I just stuck to Adam Carolla's Mangria, I might have escaped Saturday night unscathed.  Unfortunately, TBH decided to break out a mason jar of demon drink her cousin's husband brought over - it's called 'apple pie', and it is unholy.  The warning on the page I linked to is understated as apple pie does not sneak up on you, at least it didn't sneak up on me.  It hit me like a runaway 18-wheeler.  About 5 minutes after taking my first pull from the jar I may have started speaking in tongues.  The gathering broke up soon after, but the apple pie had just started with me. 

I vaguely remember going to bed after drinking a pint of water and a bottle of coconut water (it has more potassium than a banana!), but soon after I was in the throes of unspeakable nausea.  Then came the throwing up.  After about an hour of that unpleasantness I went back to bed, but then I started to worry that I might wake up blind.  I was pretty sure the creator of the apple pie used Everclear (hey, you can buy it from Amazon!), but one can never be too paranoid that he didn't buy the stuff from a North Bend moonshiner.  Luckily, I didn't wake up blind on Sunday morning, less lucky was the fact I was in full on Def Con 1 hangover mode.  I couldn't even keep water down for more than a few minutes and I was bed-ridden until 1:30 or so.  TBH was a trooper and kept bringing me water, but it was apple juice that finally quelled the unruly partisans storming the governor's mansion in my stomach.  Around 2pm I took an ice cold shower (not sure why I did this, just had a hunch that shocking my system with cold water would clear the fog from my head...and it worked!) and rejoined the rest of humanity.

I wasn't much fun for the first half of the Super Bowl yesterday, and I apologize to my guests for an understated performance.  I was about as animated as the corpse in Weekend At Bernie's until I got two bottles of coconut water and two pints of lemon water in me, then I started coming around.  By the fourth quarter I was letting zingers fly as the Niners came storming back only to fall short.

This morning was a wee bit rough as well, and my face told yesterday's sad sack story.  I look like I was in a cage fight with a Kodiak bear.  Dry-heaves are a mofo and did a number around my eyes and my abs are really sore, so I guess I worked my core muscles...winning!?  Even though I was still really worn out I did still manage to run 2.5 miles today to sweat the blood toxins out once and for all...looking forward to REM sleep tonight.

The lesson in all of this?  Nothing good ever comes out of a Mason jar your better half's cousin's husband brings over.  Like David Lee Roth, I've been to the edge and I stood and looked down...and no amount of preemptive coconut water and/or PowerAde will keep you from tumbling over.  Learn from my mistakes!