Lawnmower Man

My lawnmower died yesterday. After a particularly brutal stretch of muddy lawn the belt that drives the blade and self-propelled front wheels snapped like Private Pyle in 'Full Metal Jacket'. There was a loud bang and then the engine seized up. I'm hoping that all I need is a new belt and that the Lawnmower Man that resides in the trailer park at the bottom of the hill can fix it. Cheap. Otherwise I'll have to buy a new lawnmower or a used one at a garage sale and, to be honest, that's not an expense I was planning on.

Now, a new decent lawnmower (not a fancy pants Honda or John Deere or Toro) will cost around 300 bones. That's not an awful lot of money, but it's enough to derail my savings plans to prepare for the upcoming zombie apocalypse, 2012 Mayan fever dream natural disasters, airborne Ebola outbreak or, God forbid, my AC unit giving up the ghost this summer. I can't have a busted up lawnmower eating into my budget for emergency food supplies and bullets. Lots and lots of bullets. I know some financial advisers have diversified their clients into gold. Me? I've taken out a long position on lead and lead delivery systems. If I'm going to defend this cul-de-sac from marauding hordes of zombies infected with hemorrhagic fever during a heat wave I am going to need ammo and plenty of it. And overpriced freeze dried peaches. That should get the job done.

Soooooo, remember when I went off on hipster doofus types that sarcastically ask 'what's a CD'? Well, here's a shocker for ya...I'm going to be a wee bit hypocritical. Why? Because I cannot stand people that read the newspaper on the train. Newspapers are dumb. The 'news' they are reporting on is stale before the ink is dry. The paper is also cumbersome and unwieldy and again, dumb. Why not skip on the newspaper and invest in a phone that allows you to get news as close to up to the minute as possible? I honestly feel like snatching the newspapers out of the hands of these stuck in the past cretins, wadding it up, and then feeding it to them section by section. Yes, well.

The Better Half and I watched 'Country Strong' this weekend. I liked that movie much more when Jeff Bridges starred in it, the music was better, and it was called 'Crazy Heart'. 'Country Strong' was just 'Country Wrong' (see what I did there...zing!) in my book. The movie had the subtle stink of condescension and a general loathing for the subject matter...I don't know if a movie can sneer at the audience it was intended for, but 'Country Strong' comes close. I'm also getting tired of Tim McGraw, um...actor. He sucks. The best part of his performance in 'Country Strong' was his Nic Cage hair piece. He needs to go back to being Mr. Faith Hill, weak voiced style over substance no talent having ass clown...and not since Minnie Driver in 'Good Will Hunting' has a female love interest had a forehead as pronounced and prominent as Leighton Meester's. For a moment there during the movie I thought I fell asleep and woke up to catch National Geographic's documentary on Neanderthals. That was a great documentary. 'Country Strong' sucked a mountain of baboon arse.

I hit up Top Foods after my workout tonight. Had to get some bread, milk and cream cheese. The lines were quite long in the early evening and while I was waiting one of the personal trainers from my gym got in line behind me...the trainer chiseled out of granite with the physique of a super hero. This guy. I got all uncomfortable due to the heavy carb and fat content of my groceries. He was buying broccoli and more broccoli and a small piece of carrot cake as a reward for taking 4th overall this past weekend at Emerald Cup. I got so uncomfortable with my purchases that I turned around and started talking to him...and me trying to talk when feeling uncomfortable is a fargin train wreck. Anyhoo, I turned around, held up my basket and said, 'this is just a horrific basket of groceries to be lugging around in front of a personal trainer'. He laughed...and punched me in the face....well, no. He did show me the carrot cake, so I felt better...until he told me he is an all natural body builder and is five years older than me. Then I felt sad and tubby and gross...so I came home and ate both tubs of cream cheese right out of the container. Okay, I didn't do that...but I felt like it. He has indirectly shamed me into a low carb routine...shame is a powerful motivator.

That's all I've got for now...coming tomorrow, the long awaited retro-review of Prince's 'Around The World In A Day'! Woot?